Monday, November 3, 2008 at 10:26pm

If I pulled a back to the future and had my present self visit my past self and tell it, “Hey, have a look at your future self,” I don’t know if I’d believe it. Of course, I have no idea why I wouldn’t. It makes perfect sense. Then again, from where I sit now, it would, wouldn’t it?

I feel like I’ve been obsessed with piecing it all together. The last chapter, the one that ended with the shift of the moon, had me looking anywhere and everywhere but inside for some kind of answer – some sort of profound, earth-shattering clue. “C’mon, throw me a bone. What’s this all about anyway?” was the mantra. It seemed I was dealing with a jigsaw and each step along the way I was trying to figure how the piece fit in my puzzle. Fuck the puzzle. I’m just going to have to accept there aren’t going to be answers such as this. No satisfying finale where you slot in the last piece and have a perfect replication of the picture on the box it came in. I think if I ever get that kind of perspective I so often long for, I’ll probably find myself dead, looking down from the ultimate meta-perch. Not yet, no thanks.

All signs point inward at the moment. No more grasping at and collecting little signs and symptoms from here, there and everywhere. It’s like the universe is shouting at me, “What the hell are you asking me for? I’ve already told you. I tell you everyday. Just shut up and listen.” So, here I sit. Listening. The best advice I was ever given was after my first Reiki session when my Reiki Master said to me, “Don’t try and change anything, just pay attention.” Sounds simple enough, doesn’t it? Pffffff. As if. If anyone knows anything about the art of distraction, it’s me. Queen of. So much friggin’ around making mountains out of mole hills, and going off on tangents was creating a whole load of noise for myself. It made it real tough to hear much of anything.

Thankfully, I’ve been blessed enough to be handed the gift of silence. Precious, luxurious silence. And as a result, all sorts of things are being whispered into my consciousness, slowly but surely floating into a place where there is peace and clarity enough for me to suddenly see in ways I never thought I would. I’ve decided to stop making my life and my happiness anyone else’s job but my own. It feels like I’m signing up for a pretty major responsibility, arduous and daunting to say the least, but I feel like it’s time to start demanding answers from no one but me. Time and space and breaths of fresh air are bringing me all kinds of pictures that are way more complete and profound then anything else I ever thought I was searching for. I think it’s about letting myself off the hook for things, and just trusting that everything is for a wise purpose. 

I’m sitting in my friend’s box of a house out in the hills in a small “town” (more like road) called Federal. There’s tea, there’s music, there’s lizards running past the wide open patio door, there’s birds in the palm trees, there’s me, sitting, listening, happy. I never envisioned it could really be this good. But I’ll just leave it Be.